I don’t ask to be excused for my actions. I hope that I did the right thing. I think I did. But the fact the that I cause so much pain in people that I love, I regret more than anything. It is definitely selfish. Putting my needs and dreams before another person. But I don’t want them to have to wait for me to figure out where I am taking my life. They deserve much better than that. The choices that I have made may be it that I can never go back. I deserve any and all hate, anger, and disgust that comes my way. I’ll take it. I’m sorry for the pain I’ve caused. I’m going to go out and find myself and keep going on my path. I wish nothing but happiness for those I’ve hurt, hope that the pain is brief, and apologize for my part in it.
So we had our final dress rehearsal this evening. It went pretty well considering its been a big mish mash of stuff coming together all at once. Our dress rehearsal was also our first technical run through. I guess I was a little distracted because I messed up a few things in each dance. I need to just let it roll off my back and not worry because even if I did mess up in front of an audience it wouldn’t be the end of the world.
I think I have put a lot of personal investment into this show. The reason being that this is the 1. my first performance in Exeter 2. The first time in a very long time that I have had a strictly dancing role. I have always been a dancer but my skills are a little rusty. Thats why I have been working so hard on this piece to really do a good job in it. Thus the personal investment.
Tonight myself, Millie, and Kim stayed after to work on one of our dances. We have been having trouble with it, mainly due to the fact that we haven’t rehearsed it as much as the other dances. This is no ones fault but conflicting schedules and what not made it so that the first time we all did the dance together was about 2 weeks ago and we hadn’t been together since until this past week. We made some really good progress on it but there is this one part that keeps messing us all up. In the dance we have push brooms in our hands. In one part of the dance we bring the broom up to head level, position it in our right hand, let it balance a second, and then let it drop. But everyone does the timing difficultly because for some its hard to balance the broom. My tired and frustrated self was inwardly, “Oh come on it is not that difficult to balance it for less that a second in a timed dance fashion.” But then I thought of how I feel when someone is able to so easily do a dance move that I can’t, and how frustrated and sad that can make me feel.
I love being onstage. Its one of the main areas of my life if not THE main area where I feel like I can do really well. Of course I am not perfect and will never stop learning new techniques and abilities. Maybe when you come from a place of insecurity like I do, when you constantly worry over your worth in your own life and the lives of others; that when you find something you feel gives you worth and purpose that you hold on to that quality like you are desperately clinging to an iceberg at sea.
I know in my heart the right thing to do is just try to relax and enjoy being a part of it. I think that #patRIOT it is a really interesting piece and I am proud that I get to be a part of it. I hope the people who see it are able to take something away from it. As for me, I think I just need to stop trying so hard and just let the movement breathe.
But you know what they say: “Bad dress rehearsal, good show.” and then I remember my professor Walter Grodzik saying that that expression was just a cop-out for laziness…..
I have an idea for a play. It would be based off of peoples experiences when they open a door and…..something happens, they see something, a perspective is changed, or clarity occurs. I have a very vivid memory (which I can’t go into too much detail about here out of respect for the parties involved) when I opened a door and the meat of a friendship and the inner soul of a person in pain was shown to me. It was amazing, heart wrenching, and it is a moment I will never forget. I also have embarrassing door memories, like walking in on my parents when I was a kid (talk about AWKWARD). Or there have been times when I have had to open doors and descend into basements or cellars and it still gives me the shivers braving the initial darkness and to wonder what might happen if the door slams shut.
I am interested in collecting people’s stories of opening doors (physical or metaphorical) that I would then turn into a play that would be a series of vignettes of sorts. Or maybe they would collage together in an abstract kind of piece with the use of video projection and music. I don’t know the exact shape of how this play would turn out, but I think doors in their physical presence and in how we use them as symbols and metaphors is really interesting.
Above, Vilhelm Hammershoi’s Open Doors (1905)
According to the dream dictionary:
- To dream that you are entering through a door signifies new opportunities that are presented before you. You are entering into a new stage in your life and moving from one level of consciousness to another. In particular, a door that opens to the outside signifies your need to be more accessible to others, whereas a door that opens into the inside, denotes your desire for inner exploration and self-discovery.
- To see an opened door in your dream symbolizes your receptiveness and willingness to accept new ideas/concepts. In particular, to see a light behind the door suggests that you are moving toward greater enlightenment/spirituality.
- To dream that the door is closed or locked signifies opportunities that are denied and not available to you or that you have missed out on. Something or someone is blocking your progress. It also symbolizes the ending of a phase or project. In particular, if you are outside the locked door, then it suggests that you have anti-social tendencies. If you are inside the locked door, then it represents harsh lessons that need to be learned.
- To dream that you are locking the door suggests that you are closing yourself off from others. You are hesitant in letting others in and revealing your feelings. It is indicative of some fear and low self-worth. If someone slams the door in your face, then it indicates that you are feeling shut out or some activity or that you are being ignored.
- To see revolving doors in your dream suggests that you are literally moving in circles and going nowhere. You may feel that your opportunities and choices lead to a dead end.
So Dream and Metaphor wise, doors represent a lot about the idea of ‘self’ and ‘identity’, and also a lot about the idea of opportunity. I’m sure most of us have heard the phrase, “One door closes, another one opens..” more often than we might like.
So there you go. I am interested in peoples stories about opening doors. It doesn’t all have to be profound experiences either. It could be you opened a door and saw the funniest or most embarrassing thing in your life. But I would love to hear about it and love to adapt it for the stage! If you are interested in sharing your story with me you can e-mail me at email@example.com and we can set up and interview date over skype or in person (for those in the UK area)
So 2nd term project for Applied Theatre is about to get into full swing. We are going to be compiling interviews from those who have left military service about their experiences of transitioning back into civillian life. We are going to take these interviews, transcribe them, and then create a 30 minute radio play (broken into three 10 minute chucks) that will be then used by veterans services in the fields of employment and by educational systems like schools. MED Theatre (who I am currently interning with) are helping guide our class on this project. We will present our finished Radio play on May 4th. I’m really curious to start interviewing and to create a radio play. I feel like in some ways it will be sort of simillar to a This American Life episode.
Other than that I am prepping for my dissertation and preparing for the performance of #patRIOT. It will be the first strictly dance performance that I have done in quite some time, so I am a little nervous, but still excited.
Other excited plans are: Exmoor adventure, Community Theatre Festival, Tonbridge Inspection. Its only barely February and already my March calendar is booking up!
My cousin Edward and his wife Nancy just got over to England. Edward got relocated for his job, so I hope I will get the chance to go and see them after they have settled a bit.
Other than that I am really just writing this blog because I felt like I haven’t written in awhile and felt like I should. Oh the end of my dream last night was quite interesting! I don’t remember the majority of it but at the end I was in a little field that had a stone boarder that was off a cliff on the coast. I was transferring pieces of lettuce from one place to another and I was trying to smell them to see if they were dipped in vinegar or if they had just gone bad. I was carrying them and then I noticed a really huge wave coming in. My stomache lurched and I jumped and landed sideways just enough that the wave didn’t crest over my head. Scared the crap out of me and then I woke up.
Anywho I found this really awesome site that gives you diagrams to make amazing hand created shadow puppets:
My personal favorite is the camel: